A Restless Heart

I know, I know, the title sort of sounds like a soap opera. In a way, I suppose my restlessness reminds me of one. You could have tuned in last week and yesterday would have been almost the exact same story with very little progress. Most of you are probably wondering what in the world I could possibly be talking about, but today I am going to be real with you and share a little bit about what God has been dealing with me about. Since I arrived here I have been struggling… a lot might be an understatement.  The place where I am staying is extremely nice by almost any standards. In fact, I can say that this house itself is much nicer than my apartment with better tasting water included! Since it’s not safe for me to go out into parts of the city or to even leave the gates without at least one escort, I am pretty much stuck here. And this is where my restless heart comes into play. A very big part of my heart wants so desperately to help people, to literally save a life. I haven’t felt at all useful in this place because these kids have already been saved and rescued from the depths of despair. Praise the Lord for that! However, there are millions of people still living in despair many with NO hope at all because they haven’t even heard the message about our Wonderful Savior! This fact breaks my heart so much that I haven’t even been able to focus on the opportunities that God has put right in front of me. Most of us have heard “where much has been given, much will be required.” My heart has been so impatient and wants to be given so much so that He can require much of me. I want to make HUGE impacts for His Kingdom. However, He has to be able to trust me with bigger responsibilities before He grants it. Right now He has given me an opportunity, perhaps to see what I will do with it. Just like the servants; will I invest it or will I bury it? Up till now, I have been burying it, not intentionally, but burying it all the same. I cannot possibly expect to draw closer to Him and to fulfill the purpose that He has for me if I cannot properly take care of what He has given me now. I have gotten caught up in the countless possibilities of how God COULD work through me in helpless situations (if HE so chooses). BUT that is not where He has placed me at this moment, and for a very good reason. My heart is in strife. I have assumed this is because I feel as though am not accomplishing anything. That is partially true, but only because I am failing to see what He has placed right in front of me. I am failing to love on the individuals within my reach.  The reason behind this restlessness has become very apparent to me over the last couple of days; I am not seeking Him. My world has become absorbed with being fulfilled through and by my actions, instead of being absorbed with Him and allowing Him to overflow through me. This has led to feeling miserable in almost anything that I do and it doesn’t matter how good the intentions of my actions are, it isn’t Him flowing through me. Hosea 2:6-7 says, “Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them.” And that describes perfectly what season God has brought me to today. He is blocking all of my paths. I keep searching but to no avail; everywhere that I turn there is a wall. But thankfully there is always a way out with Jesus. Hosea 2:14 goes on to say, “Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.”  He desires to captivate us by His love and His Goodness. He longs to be our all in all.  I need to allow Him to fill me each and every day. HE must ALWAYS come first! It is in Him and ONLY Him that my heart shall find rest!

Andrew and Eunice

Playing Duck, Duck, Goose

Libby, Me, May, and Lydia at church